Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize