these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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