It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
