she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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