I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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