I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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