Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
