I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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