I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
