Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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