i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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