mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
