Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
