Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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