Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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