Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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