my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
