I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The feeling are messing with the penis
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
