you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
