Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
