The maid of honor just puked.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize