I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
