the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i believe in u and ur pee
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
