So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
