I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
