I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
