Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I love having hate sex.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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