I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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