Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
