i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
tell your sister to shave her snatch
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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