Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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