i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
