so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
is wine microwaveable?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize