We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
