I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
