I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I deserve this hangover.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
