So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
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