I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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