I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
