Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
