i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
