The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
