My Higher Power is John Stamos
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
