the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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