I CAN MOONWALK!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
