The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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