so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
