So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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