just tell him i said nine months
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
