If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
