Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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