My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
