The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
