He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
