my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
