i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm just crazy horny about you
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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