Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
