Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
