Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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