Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
